Monday, August 07, 2006

Counting down the days

(Im warning you, Im going to drift)

This weekend my sister, brother-in-law and I will head on down to my parents house to visit for the weekend. I try not to think about it; the guys at work (the ones my age, anyway) all live in the same towns as their parents which just solidifies my own depression over having such a huge gap in my family. We've always been that way, I guess--we meet and talk like mad once, maybe twice a year, and thats about it. Maybe its because Im the youngest and thereby sort of pushed aside--my sister usually has alot more going on, and my brother attracts alot more attention--but I always feel like Im getting the short end of the straw when it comes to family matters.

The guys at work (see a pattern? curse peer pressure...I hate even being considered susceptible to it, but it eats away at me regardless) all talk about how they see their parents and it was so much fun, they did this and that and had a blast. I cant remember a time when I visited my parents and we just sat down and did something as a family. Maybe the road less traveled requires sacrifice at all levels, but for the love of Pete, none of us are do long in our mortal coil and I can feel the days of my youth ticking away. I sound like a geezer.

This brings up my next point...I didnt ever do anything crazy in high school (I lie--we made explosives, tracked ammonia triodide all over the halls of school, lit a park on fire with napalm...just nothing crazy with girls, or booze, or...anything interesting). Its eating at me now. Badly. These old guys keep telling me that I need to loosen up, Im young, Im missing all the good stuff. I want to pull my hair out and tell them a thing or two about missing out, like missing....well, I cant think of any defense. Im just tired of being such a cynic and so aggressive and offensive about everything. I cant bring myself to not despise the human race. Ive got so much bottled up frustration that I cant figure out how to get rid of. I try my best at being less antsy--I really do--they say "mind over matter" and my mind is sharp and observant and at its neural prime, but trying to whip my own psyche is a bit tougher than I thought.

For example--last week at work--just a heads up, its been End of Quarter so things have been crazy, and Im trying to get a raise sorted out, and one of my co-workers grandfather had a heartattack leaving me as the export honcho, so Ive been kinda stressed--it was about midnight and we had finally wrapped up work and were waiting on one of the temps to be finished scanning documents into the database. The two other temps, both women, came over to my desk to talk to my cubemate and I about some nonsensical drivel and they started talking about something really disgusting. Ive asked them time and again to not talk about it around my desk, and I guess this time it just rubbed me the wrong way. I got mad and told them to talk about that crap at their own desks and a bunch of other things (it wasnt that nice when I said it, believe me) and one of the temps said that I was only mad because I "wasnt getting any". That made it alot worse, and I then proceeded to point and yell and intimidate the living daylights out of both of them. So sue me; I apologized the next day after my boss pulled me into the office to make sure I wasnt mad and to reassure everyone that I wasnt going to drag my sociopathic butt in the next day and shoot the place to kingdom come. I didnt realize that my abstinence was such a sore spot with me, but I guess it is. All anyone ever talks about is sex, sex, sex, and when you are the only one in the room--in the building--trying to be a decent, God-fearing person, the feeling of loneliness and me-against-them gets worse and worse. It reminds me of when Elisha hides on the mountain because he slew the prophets of Baal and thought that he was going to be killed. Im the only one left, he tells God. Just me. And Them. Thats how I feel. God reminds Elisha that there are 5000 (I think) people just like him in another place, just waiting. Soo...

Where, exactly, are my 5000?


Blogger Frustrated Writer said...

good news, there were 7,000. they are out there. remember elijah wasn't sent to meet them, but just told to have faith. tough assignment.

7:54 AM  
Blogger GreatBeefalo said...

Ah, I knew I was wrong. The whole Elijah--Elisha thing. Its 1 Kings 19, I just cant ever remember the difference nowadays. My mom would hit me.

11:58 AM  
Blogger Alisa said...

(putting on my HR hat) What those young women were doing could technically be deemed as a form of sexual harrassment which is inappropriate in most (if not all) work places.

I think the world would be a happier place if more people abstained.

You'll find your 7,000. :)

7:24 PM  

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