Monday, August 07, 2006

Find Your Way Back*

From the immortal Jefferson Starship. Its two days till we pack and leave for Artesia, and the apprehension in my heart grows with each passing minute. I dont know what it is. I cant remember why, either. I just really can't stand going to that town. I enjoy the time with my mom and dad immensely, but I cant stand that town. I have heart palpitations when we hit the Texas border and when I enter the town I feel like crying because I feel like...
well, I cant remember.

Let me start over. I went to school there--7th grade to senior in high school, met my good friend Brandon, and some more good friends--but I suppose that the experience was so traumatic that I forced most of the memory from my skull and I cant remember any of it. Any time Brandon says something like "you remember that time we...(fill in the blank)" its like I remember something like that happening to a character in a book, and me standing outside of it shaking my head in abject pity. I figure that living there and experiencing the disorienting mix of constant depression and a feeling of utmost rejection didnt help any. Loooong story short, I hate that town. I wish my parents would move. I feel like everyone there looks down on me and I feel the need to stand up and point my figure in anger and prove to them that I am, indeed, a superior human--but thats not happening.
While Im on the subject of abandonment and depression (at least Im connecting thoughts here) I really think Im manic depressive. I cant remember a time in the last 4 years when I wasnt depressed and feeling the creeping temptation of suicide in the bank of my deluded brain. I was on Zoloft for a while, but it made it worse (by the way, I wouldnt recommend that drug to anyone, ever) so I quit taking it. Im just at my wits end here. I dont know what to do with myself. School will just make it worse. I think to myself constantly that I need to make a positive impact on society, and that Ill never have the clout to do so--I have the smell that drives people away or something like that. So, I could pull a Jim Jones and shock people out of their stupidity, but that wouldnt get me anywhere. Except on a 15 second blurb on CNN.