Ode to the Barber

What ever happened to barbers? I havent seen a single barber in Dallas since I moved here. I suppose they have all been replaced by "stylists" who think that when I say "make it short on top, go with the part" what Im really asking for is a neo-feminist hair-do that tells the world how egalitarian I am. Gar! For example, I go to WallyWorld today to get my haircut. Why WalMart?

1. Cheap
2. Quick
3. less stylistic than everywhere else

My normal stylist (ugh) is out, or canned, or both, so I get snagged by a woman who thinks Elizabeth Taylor is a woman to be idolized. I sit down in the chair, and I can tell in my gut that this is a very, very bad thing. Bail out! Evacuate! Say you have a sudden premonition of a bowel tumor! My brain says to me. No, I dupe myself into staying put.

Ill avoid telling the in-betweens of the actual cutting for my own health, but let me just say that by the end of it, I felt the need to rush home and take a pair of scissors out of the kitchen and butcher my own head in a furious tornado of masculinity and desperation. Boy, let me tell you....

Thats exactly what I did. Sad thing is, I did a better job on my own head than the Elizabeth Taylor doppleganger did. I think. If small children start weeping when I walk outside, then I will know.