Saturday, September 30, 2006

Open the Floodgates

It has been a truly tumultuous week.

My pseudo-boss on night shift has been moved to days, so Ive been "promoted" to a sort of crew leader on nights. Thats all well and good, but pair that with three tests at school, 70 hours of work, and the previously mentioned A (previous posts, I mean) becoming mentally unstable and getting drug tested, Ive been running and havent stopped.

Let me start with the big stuff: A, my co-worker with the drinking problem, and drug problem, and ten thousand other problems (like Ive said before, its not a question of help offered to him, its a question of whether he wants it or not) has been acting very, very peculiar lately. On Tuesday, his serpentine belt went out on his truck, and if you know what that is, then you understand that it disables your vehicle completely. I figured, hey, I havent been nice enough to this guy lately and he could probably use a break, so I try, unsuccessfully, for two hours to put a new one on. He drives a Ford, which has higher pulley tension, while I drive a Chevy, and it was dark, and we didnt have the right basically, the whole mess was overly stressful with A on the verge of mental calamity the whole time. I wind up giving him a ride home, which insures me the next 2 years of A trying to be my best pal. Geez. Im nice and dont blow him off, I just am polite like usual, and Wednesday, when we all get to work, A seems a tiny bit more stable.

Skip ahead to Thursday: I come in at my usual time (3 in the afternoon) to find out that A has already been and gone. Timeline:

7:00 AM: A arrives 5 hours ahead of schedule for reasons no one knows. He immediately goes to the customer service reps present and starts talking about how something big is going to happen and we'll all know it, and we're all going to die, and generally scaring the crap out of the CS rep. He leaves, apparently; from now until 1:00 PM, no one knows what happened.

1:00 PM: A shows up an hour late for work, still speaking "out of the box" as the CS rep put it, and is immediately but gently escorted to the front of the building where security meets him to take him to take a drug test.

That was Thursday. Today, I get a call from my other co-worker, AA, saying that A called him schitzing out of his head and sent him an email that told his whole life story and seemed to read like a suicide note. So, I would ask anyone reading this post to say a prayer for this guy, because he doesnt know which way is up and Im not sure if its him having a mental collapse or its the drugs talking. Either way, God help everyone involved here.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Marx Schmarx

Good news, everyone! Theres a guy at my work above me who works on UPS' largest Dell account (that portion is worth about 100 million dollars a year) and hes quitting! Im next in line! HOORAY! Maybe I can get another raise! Pass the cigars! And the money! And not in that order!

In related news, my boss came out and said that there were going to be some big changes there that would shake things up--see, we're not supposed to know C is quitting, but we're buds with him, so he told us. That leaves us with a conundrum--if they fire Dillweed, the borderline sociopath BEFORE this Saturday, theres a good chance I wont be armed when he comes in with his puny "assault weapons". I discussed this with my roommate, and he suggested I just stab him with a pen (its a joke...well, not really. All my coworkers think hes on the edge of insanity. I tried talking to him, but hes so pompous he wont listen. Goody!). We'll see how things go. Either way, good stuff on the way! A possible raise, a possible heroic action and suicidable death lunge....all the same to me.

In more related news, my inner ear has been ITCHING for weeks now. I have "excessive ear wax", meaning my ear wont stop producing the stuff, so it blocks my ear canal with black disgusting ear wax. Last time I was at my dads clinic we used he neato new ear looker thing (dangit! what are those called?! Anyhoo, it has a TV screen now! my black ear wax in FULL COLOR!) and it was hideously grotesque. It was like looking into HELL...or my clogged ear canal. Whatevuh. Anyway, I got some q tips and jammed that puppy in there and scratched my brain. It was the most satisfying feeling Ive had all week! You dont understand madness till your ear drum itches and you cant do jack about it. Its like Chinese water torture, minus the Chinese and the water and plus some ear wax. So I guess its like Jon ear wax torture.

I was going to relate the title to my Sociology class, but I ran out of steam and Im tie-herd.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Ive noticed that whenever I blog, my posts are full of grammatical errors. Please note that I usually only blog at 4 AM before I go to bed, and after school and 10 hours of work and gym time, my brain isnt quite up to par. Then, Im only as smart as the rest of the planet! BWUAHAHAHA....just kidding.

Monday, September 11, 2006

When in doubt, empty the mag

  • My Biology teacher is really cool, in sharp comparison to my Sociology teacher. Funny how intellectuals are often the stupidest.
  • Did I mention my raise didnt go through? Im really pissed about it. It trashes about 6 months of my long term financial planning.
  • People that believe CNN need to be shot. If you think Im joking, pay me a visit. Bush hates black people? OKAY! Bush creates hurricanes? OKAY! Bush bombed Iraq because hes actually a demon that feeds on oil? OKAY!
  • I dont believe in people. I think that directly interferes my ability to believe in God. Im sure all the agnostics will nod, but thats not what I mean, so philisophize (is that a word?) some place else.
  • I think that dillweed guy I work with is a deeply disturbed individual. I often notice that he isnt working, just sitting there staring at my reflection in the glass window by my desk. If he keeps staring I may shoot him. Its a serial killer stare. If hes going to try to kill me, I wish he would DO SO ALREADY so I can kill him back. It would make me and everyone else feel much better about UPS productivity.
  • I keep telling myself that in a year or two, things will get better and there will be a reason for my pitiful existence, but the more I go about my paltry business, the more I know Im lying.
  • I should sell my truck and get something that will break even so I dont have to pay loan payments anymore, but that would be a step down. Isnt digression a bad thing? I hate keeping up with the Joneses. Is there a Joneses boxing match I cam compete in instead?
  • I dread family get togethers. It has nothing to do with my family. Or maybe it does. Whatever.
  • I find myself pondering where I would hit Howard Dean if I met him. In the head? Too obvious. Groin? Too comical. Stomach? We might have a winner...but about that groin, again...
  • Iron Maiden put out a new album. Its actually their best in the last few albums.
  • Clipping fingernails has always seemed like a serious chore to me. Why wont they just stay clipped?

Im tired. College is bunk. Work is bunk. Im surrounded by idiots who dont know they are surrounded by bunk while I myself KNOW Im surrounded by bunk and cant do anything about it.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

A Masticated Beauty

There it is--my ideal motorcycle. Ive moved on from the stage of getting a crotch rocket (it turns out that people over 5'8" have trouble on those. Go figure. Stupid short straws!) So Ill stick with my initial stupidity and go for a solid, American-made Harley Davidson. I found a neat site that deals in Harleys with damaged parts that sell for much less. This one needs a new tank, air filter, possibly some other body work...and its selling for about $4000 less than it should. Hooray for me! It has such potential--I fabricated this great plan to make double payments on my truck for a while to get ahead then go ahead and buy the bike...

but then my raise didnt go through. Apparently, its not enough that I get heckled for being a teetotalling non-philanderer, but now I get to be the underpaid (wait...I already WAS the underpaid one) teetotalling schmuck. Glory be. And while Im on a roll about buttheads at work, let me just say that older brothers make for terrible human beings 90% of the time. Both the guys I work with beat the crap out of their younger brothers just because and it makes me madder than hell having been in the punchbag position for 15 years running. What does that have to do with anything, you say? It doesnt.
I found out yesterday my raise didnt go through. That makes me really mad. I do twice the work of the other guys at work and strangely get paid 3 dollars an hour less because I came in as a temp instead of fulltime. Talk about getting the short straw. Im pretty peeved.

In other exciting news, I found a bike in the trash that is still good and only needs new tires (....dont ask). Hooray for me.

Also also wik, Romeo Y Julieta is a marvelous cigar brand. I highly recommend their robustos. Just so you know.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Ten Things Everyone Needs to Do

  1. Get a hold of some Dublin Dr. Pepper. Its wonderful. Its the oldest DP bottling plant in the world and the DP there is made with pure cane sugar. MARVELOUS.
  2. Fire a shotgun. Like my uncle Tim told me once, "its better than sex!"
  3. Have a good laugh at the two party system. Then get a new one that doesnt suck.
  4. Live in the depths of poverty for a week.
  5. Live in the lap of luxury for a week.
  6. Eat their peas and spinach.
  7. Drive a motorcycle. Its the epitome of freedom; its so much more exhilirating than a car!
  8. Start a blog! Then delete it! Then start it again!
  9. Smoke a La Gloria Cubana cigar. As soon as they life the *%#$& ban on Cuban products...anyhoo, Castro used slash and burn harvesting on his tobacco crop so I hear their cigars are worthless now. But I would try one anyway.
  10. Hit a politician in the stomach. Maybe, all together, we can knock the hot air out of em.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Intestinal Fortitude abounds

Or maybe not intestinal. Ive decided, along with my better judgment, to wait a year to buy a motorcycle. First off, I cant afford it, and secondly, it would be stupid financially in the long run, so Ill wait. Just a year....

Tomorrow I have to face my tard of a professor. Im sure he'll open the lecture telling us how Bush is such a knuckle-dragger with no intelligence but has still managed to alter the course of human history with his cyclotronic brain. Make up your mind, tard. Must set my sights on the goal: the gun show and my parents in town all on the same weekend! September 22! Im SO buying myself something pretty! We'll watch a little high school football (at Texas Stadium to boot) eat some good food, and maybe I can dupe my mom into buying me a pistol (just kidding--its not as satisfying if my name's not on it).

Stop looking at me like that, squirrel

Bring the kids! An exciting story presents itself!

Picture this: Its a bright Saturday, around 3 in the afternoon, when my roommate and I step out for a bit of fresh air and maybe some good eats. Suddenly, I spot a squirrel on the ground by the tree right across from my front door! Awww, so cute! But wait...that look in his eyes...its the look of Nosferatu, or a crackhead, or some evil creature, anything but a fluffy little squirrel. Seriously, its just sitting there, splayed out on its stomach, staring at me. Its freaking me out. I think it has rabies. Being ever watchful, and very concerned about my neighbors hound catching rabies, my roommate tries to scare it away with an airgun (trained professionals, people, trained professionals). Lucky for the squirrel, my roommate was joking, I laugh, the squirrel runs up a tree and splays out again looking cracked out and wishing for a swift death.

I honestly thing there is wrong with this freakin' squirrel. He looks sick. I talk it over with my roommate and I decide to shoot the putz. One shot, down he goes, and the drama is over.

But I really think that thing was trying to kill me. Just sitting there watching....mostly, though, I wanted to shoot a squirrel. Shame on me. It was quick and painless, and I went and bought a blowgun for a silent takedown next time. I believe in sporting chances, after all.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Labor Day Update

Today is Labor Day! I dont know what it is or where it came from, but I get work and school off. Speaking of school and work...
  • My Sociology teacher is an IDIOT liberal. It boggles me how his brain is emaciated with half-truths and pseudo facts. It hearts my head to listen to him. I cant risk crushing his puny arguments because then Ill fail the class. What a conundrum. Pass the class, smite liberal and maintain integrity...Must....smite...
  • Work is work. I go, I stay, I come back and sigh and say "whew, that was a long day of work".
  • Now that Im back in school, my lofty dreams of automatically knowing what I want to do with my life have been dashed to pieces. I realize now ( that I mean "I realize for the hundredth time") college educations are a waste of my money, time and effort. Those teachers arent teaching me anything but what they think. It makes me so mad! Im paying them good money to stand up there and tell me Bush is a complete dope, incapable of common thought (yet he masterminded the disastrous Katrina mess to spite the blacks of the South), religion is all the same and Christianity is just like the rest, homosexuality is genetic and we cant help it (I almost stood up and slapped him when he told me this was an indisputable fact) and other nonsensical bunk. Oy vey! At least theres a gun show this month. Im going to try my hardest to get a Colt pocket pistol. Stay tuned for pretty pictures!